I am going to start at the beginning it was the 17 September 2003 and my friend had just given birth and I was there she was a beautiful little girl so pink so healthy and I was so happy for her. then 3 days later I realised while waiting for her to go into labour I hadn't been thinking about myself and I realised where is my period. I got excited as I thought hooray a beautiful healthy little baby for me but I was to scared to do a test. I spent the whole weekend sleeping as I was absolutely exhausted after being with my friend for days and hardly sleeping. by the time Monday came I was pretty sure I was pregnant, ste my partner was scared as this would be our first child and he wanted to know if he was going to be a dad or not and persuaded me to do a test. Ste went to the shop and bought the cheapest test we could get as we only had a couple of pounds to our name at that moment of time. he brought it home and I went to the bathroom and did the test I put it on the back of the toilet and quic
kly made my exit I lit a cigarette ( I decided if I was pregnant this was going to be my last one) and counted the minutes down we were terrified at what the result was going to be. I couldn't bring myself to go and look so I sent ste and he came running back happily shouting I'm going to be a dad. I burst out crying and just couldn't stop I was so excited yet so scared but most of all me and ste was ecstatically happy at the beautiful gift of a child we had been given. We got in the car and went round to our families and told them our great news everyone was so happy for us. little did anyone know this happiness we all felt would soon fade away to sadness and fear.
The first 11 weeks went by like a blur of blood tests, doctors visits and midwife appointments. Then came my first scan Ste, my mum and I went for the scan I was terrified there was going to be something wrong mothers instinct I expect. Mum and ste was excited at what they could see on the screen the radiographer turned the screen towards me and said there is your babies heart beat, I just burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed and the scanner then found it difficult to scan me as my stomach was moving too much due to my sobbing and after measurement etc. they sent us away happy that our baby was alive his heart was beating and everything was on track size wise.
More blood tests, gynaecology visits and mid wife appointments went by each time the heart beat was there and strong and each time I heard that beating through the Doppler my mouth would move into a smile and I would be so excited for the impending birth of our first child together.
Then came our 20 week scan and that is when everything changed and our lives were going to be changed forever. My mum and Ste went in and expected to see our healthy growing baby on the screen she put the scanner on my stomach and started to move it around then she turned the screen towards herself and looked worried she did the usual checks for abnormalities of the brain did some measurements all the time she had a worried look on her face. then when she was finished I could see there was something wrong. she turned off the machine, wiped my stomach and then turned to me and ste and said I am going to send you for a second opinion with the doctor as it looks like there is something wrong with your babies heart and also there could be a really large growth on the side of your babies face. we were then led to the bereavement room and I sobbed my mum asked the radiographer when she thought we would see the doctor and she informed us it could be anything up to 2 weeks before we could get an appointment with the doctor and she left. I cried and cried and no matter how much ste and my mum tried to comfort me I was convinced my baby was going to die. the radiographer came back in and informed us that the doc would see us in the morning I was happy we were going to be seen so quickly but angry at the fact that I had to go home and wonder for the next 24 hours whether or not I was going to become a mum at all or whether the baby growing inside me was going to die.
As we were leaving the doc ran down from gynaecology and came to meet us and asked us if we could come back in an hour after his surgery had finished and he would scan me then. I said OK and thanked him for his quick response to our situation and we decided to go for some lunch as it was now around 12 o'clock. we ate our lunch and made our way back to the day centre at the back of the hospital. we went in and sat down and waited for our doctor Mr Sadiq to arrive when he arrived I felt the adrenaline pumping around my body as he led us into a side room where there was a scanner. he lay me down and put the gel on my stomach the whole time I was terrified as to what this scan was going to lead to it was basically a life or death scan for my baby. I had already decided in my own head without discussing it with ste or my mum that no matter what I would carry on with this pregnancy regardless. he put the jelly on my stomach and placed the scanner on the bottom on my now growing bump. he scanned for what felt forever but I think it was probably around 5 mins and we were in complete silence at this point I had a look around the room as I couldn't see the screen and I noticed there were 2 students, 2 nurses from the day centre, the radiographer that originally picked up the abnormalities and Mr Sadiq was there all watching silently at this point I thought what is going on this is a scan not a spectator sport. I didn't say anything as all I cared about was what was wrong with my baby. 15 minutes later he turned the screen towards me and showed me my baby then turned to the radiographer and said I cant find anything wrong with this babies heart or face and she came over with the pictures she had taken on my original scan and he studied then and he said he could see on the original pictures what the radiographer was concerned about but during the scan he did he couldn't see anything wrong with my baby. and decided that regular scanning was the answer and maybe at some point the problems my baby could have would become apparent. I wasn't to sure what to think at this stage and was still terrified I was going to lose my baby.
Every 2 weeks from then on I was scanned as my baby grew and during this time I bought nothing for my baby. I also came to the decision that if the baby died I was going to go back to work save up some money get myself a new car and then when we were more financially stable we would start trying for another baby; and every 2 weeks Mr Sadiq said he couldn't see what the radiographer had seen and even up to the last scan on the Friday before I gave birth the following Wednesday he said "he would stake his life on there being nothing wrong with my baby". I was very dubious of what he was saying as the radiographer obviously saw something that was not right on that 20 week scan. By this point being pregnant had just become an every day thing I was no longer excited or happy that I was pregnant as in my mind there was still the chance that my baby was going to die at any moment and I would be left with nothing and a broken heart.
Sometimes when I felt my baby move I cried as I didn't want to feel attached to my baby in case I lost him (by this point I knew I was having a boy I had been told at one of my scans). That was so hard for us all seeing my baby moving around inside my stomach seeing the outline of his small hands stroking the inside of my stomach, him kicking about and watching my stomach jumping up and down when he had hiccups and not feeling like I can love this wonderful gift we had been given. being pregnant should be such a happy and joyful time for any mother and father to be and their family but none of us knew how we should feel all we wanted was to feel joy and happiness at the impending birth of mine and Ste's first born son and our parents first grandchild and we felt that had been stolen from us and we had been left with our hearts aching to love this little person and we weren't allowed to. I try to explain to people how it felt for us and they just didn't seem to understand as when they have had their children they have all the happiness the joy the well wishes they need in order to enjoy the pregnancy and we as parents to be we had none of this as no one knew what to say or do when it came to us and our situation we felt so alone.
During my pregnancy as one of the things I used to take my mind of the fact that I was pregnant was I went swimming everyday with my mum it was a way of forgetting for a couple of hours and getting the exercise that you need while pregnant. on Tuesday the 18th may 5 days before my due date it started out as a normal day I got up had breakfast and my mum picked me up and we went swimming. after doing around 30 lengths of the pool we were having a wind down and a relax before we got out of the pool to go home. We were chatting away and I started to get a few twinges in my stomach but I never thought much of it as they stopped as quickly as they started and I wasn't due for another 5 days and I had been told by many people that you always go over you due date with your first baby. we got out the pool got ourselves dry and dressed and mum dropped me off at home as she had to take my gran to a hospital appointment shortly after. I felt a strange sensation and went to the toilet I was horrified at the blood I found I thought this is it this is where my baby dies. I rang my mum and got no answer as she was at the hospital with gran and her phone was on silent. I rang the delivery suite at the hospital and they told me not worry and make my way in to be checked over at this point I was panicking as ste couldn't drive my mum was already at the hospital and my dad was at work and I didn't want to tell any of my friends as I didn't want any of them excited that I was going into labour and then there be no baby at the end of it I had decided a while back this is what I was going to do and I would inform my friends after I had had him if he was OK About 10 minutes passed and through my tears I decided I would drive myself so all the time having only slight twinges in my stomach I took myself off to the hospital before I left I texted my mum to ring me as soon as she possibly could. on my way to the hospital I passed my close friend and I just casually waved out the window you would not believe how much I wanted to stop her and tell her I think the baby is coming and get excited together but I just couldn't do it. while I was driving my mum rang me back I stopped and answered my phone and explained to her what was up and she said she would meet me at the hospital. I parked my car up and we went inside to the delivery suite (by this point my mum had rang my aunty and she had come and picked my gran up) I was examined by a midwife who said due to the bleeding I would need to be looked at by the doctor on duty. the doctor came and examined me and said there is no sign of bleeding now and that my cervix is very thin but my baby hadn't dropped down into my pelvis. he decided the best course of action was to keep me in and if I hadn't gone into labour by the following morning and there had been no more bleeding then I could go home the following day.
During this time my mind was completely on the little boy moving around inside of me and whether it was time that we all got to meet him as he had made it to 39 weeks and he was still alive and strong hope started to wash over me for the first time during my pregnancy hope that I was going to meet my little boy and he was going to be OK But unfortunately that was not meant to be.
I was on the delivery suite waiting for a bed to become available on the maternity ward and all of a sudden I started to get the twinges I had had earlier in the day. As the day went on they got worse and worse starting in my back and moving round my bump until they met in the middle it was horrendous all I could imagine was going through this pain for hours and having nothing to show for it at the end. But in the back of mind I was starting to get excited at the prospect that my little boy was coming and I couldn't wait to meet him. I was transferred to the ward a couple of hours later all the time these pains are coming and going. I was so scared of the impending birth and the ward asked my mother to leave I was not happy with this so I made this clear to the ward and even under the circumstances they would not allow her to stay so she made her way home to get me a few things for the over night stay and I watched TV and wriggled around in the pain that I was in. I asked for some pain relief and they gave me 2 paracetamol which I was angry about I couldn't sit still and all they would give me was 2 paracetamol I didn't say anything and just took them as you can imagine they didn't touch the pain. I actually believe they thought I was being neurotic. When my mum arrived back I refused to let her leave as I was terrified and wanted her to stay with me support me that's what I felt I needed at that point I was in labour not knowing if there was going to be a baby at the end of it. I spent the rest of the evening outside with my mum people coming and going looking at me as I was strange. well what a site that must have been a heavily pregnant woman in her pj's dancing around outside an entrance and moaning cause I was in labour. Shortly after my mum took me
back to the ward as the pains were becoming unbearable. they said they would examine me and I was to go and sit down. 10 minutes later they arrived and examined me and said I was already 4 cm's dilated and that I could now have more pain relief but I had to be moved to the delivery suite. When I arrived up on the delivery suite my mum went and got ste from work. just an hour earlier I had spoke to ste and he had decided to go into work as we wasn't sure whether the baby was going to come or not. he had only been in work for half an hour when my mum arrived to pick him up.
Mum and Ste arrived back at the hospital and by this point I was in full labour and using the gas and air so to me between my mum leaving and arriving back with ste it only felt like 30 seconds when I think it was around 20 minutes . from this point to the moment when I was ready to push I don't remember much it was a blur of heart checks which they wanted me to sit still for while they listened with a Doppler I found this part highly frustrating as I was finding it very difficulty to sit still. my mum recalls that I shouted at the midwives many times for making me sit still and she also asked them was this necessary and as will all know with a possible heart condition it needs to be monitored. luckily my baby made it through the labour which I was so scared that the stress of the labour on his little heart might have been the final straw. I was now ready to push as all of a sudden the pain was excruciating and when they examined me they said I was now 10 cm's dilated and asked me if they could now break my waters I was happy for this to happen. the reason my waters hadn't been broken earlier was that the baby had never dropped down into my pelvis and there was a risk that the umbilical cord could come down before him and become trapped and he would have been starved of oxygen so they left it till the very last minute as I was ready to push it was time to break my waters. They broke my waters and pain just flooded over me. I remember being told to push but I was so much under the influence of pethidine and gas and air I still don't remember everything clearly it hurt so much that I would push very briefly which wasn't enough and I was getting shouted at to push properly as they now couldn't monitor his heart and needed to get him out. One last push and that little bundle of joy arrived. I looked around the room and noticed there was a lot of people around me the midwives from the next shift were there and the ones from the previous shift as it was just after 8 am there were docs and paediatricians and I remember thinking later on they must have known there was something wrong otherwise why were all them people there at the point when I gave birth.
My baby had poohed inside me so when he was born and he was blue they transferred him over to the resusitare and I am crying and screaming as at this point I thought my worse nightmare had come true and I thought my baby was dead. But they tried to calm me. when they were trying to suck all the meconium out of his lungs they realised that the resusitare didn't actually work which really did anger me as that alone could have caused me to lose my baby. They tried to run out of the room with him even though he was still attached to me via the umbilical cord the midwife shouted wait and cut the cord and that was the last thing I saw of my baby. my mum and ste tried their best to comfort me through their tears as it was so real now there was something wrong with my baby and he was dead. I was completely convinced he was now dead. I delivered the placenta and I was stitched and cleaned up.
I cannot tell you how long it was till I heard news on my baby as it felt like hours but when I think back they would never have left me hours before telling me anything. during this waiting time my mum was down with my baby trying to find out what was happening and ste was with me trying to support me the best he could as at this point we were both heartbroken. then a midwife came in with a photo of my baby and told me he was alive but was on a ventilator as there is something wrong with his heart but the paediatric doctor would explain to me when he saw me what was wrong with him. I looked at the pictures and I felt this rush of love over whelm me and I sobbed I really did believe he had gone and I had never even met him. My heart smiled at that moment that I knew my baby was alive and it has smiled ever since.